

PZ 




H*! 1 


H> 

xjrl 

\ i 

JRi 



M / ? <S r 


r/vT 


FT MEADE 
GenCol 1 





Hi 

U’ 

IK31 

mi 

■Hi 



Klit 


k ' r 

flit 


i > v kL 


u\ 7 i • 




Class 3 - 


Book **7 • 

- 

Copyright T*T 

COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 


<£,£>^4 * 1 - 






AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 

AND 

HYGIENIC AND SCIENTIFIC 
APPARATUS 

PZ 3 
. H1968 
Int 

CORY 2 

G. A. BIRMINGHAM 




HODDER & STOUGHTON 
NEW YORK 

GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 


K 8 b\ 


>; .'• :<:•: • • ~a&s> £ 

%>••.' • •' ' -.•’rLT'-i. 

>: »'-S 5 SB«',. wi.-v 


^!Tpr!>t''jSr : v. ,'SSST* iwro 

*$?' s --* ' ''&'*£■? ■•"■' "•.> ■■ '"■ •.'•■< ->VJ: 


'..'’sg*:.. 2. 


M 


'.- 3 • : .•• - v- if’- . f iV* - 4 > ., • . s'- • <n* >- - 

‘ ,* >;-. ' f ..,??■ ■- Sf.® •&$- 

■•.- •'.' ‘A • .- V 

.o **■' ' ' ' &9fl *• V‘ .; .’ ,4 , 


-- x 




iJ&s 




*: >*>.; ’4i$#:V - - A. X\, 


- 




:•*- ; l SsS5 - v TOHfejrfT&i 


"'^0: '•; .'•£' 






-> : r 






/te 


ikv •*■ . • - >.<*<*’»< 


r -r 




-y .. 


, 


-/» ••• :-. r . - ■••,.*■ >. V» *..-•>»•: ■ J.. ' 




‘■■'.S-OvuiS 




AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


AND 

HYGIENIC AND SCIENTIFIC 
APPARATUS 


G. A. BIRMINGHAM 



HODDER & STOUGHTON 
NEW YORK 

GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANY 


COM*- 







. Hi « 

Inf 



Copyright, 1913 

By George H. Doran Company 


©Cl. A 334 121) 

2 * — 



a. 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 

C OLONEL BERESFORD came down to break- 
fast one morning in September and found a let- 
ter from Lord Ablington beside his plate. He eyed it 
discontentedly while he poured out his coffee. 

Lord Ablington was a nobleman with a high sense 
of the duties a great magnate ought to perform. It 
was his custom to invite Colonel Beresford twice 
every summer to dine and sleep at Ablington Castle. 
Colonel Beresford, too, had a high sense of duty. He 
always accepted one of the invitations ; but — be- 
cause the dinner parties bored him severely — he al- 
ways declined the other, finding, year after year, 
greater difficulty in discovering any reasonable ex- 
cuse. He suspected that the letter before him con- 
tained the second of his two invitations for the cur- 
rent year. His face wore a puzzled frown as he 
tore open the envelope. 

“ We are expecting a couple of young fellows,” 
wrote Lord Ablington, “ friends of my son’s, to spend 
next week with us for the shooting. Danton, who is 
old Riversdale’s right hand man in the Foreign Office, 
is also coming and bringing his wife. It will be a 
pleasure to us if you will drive over on Tuesday, dine, 
and spend the night. I bought a few dozen of hock 
at poor Fillingham’s auction the other day — capital 
wine, I am told — and I should like to have your 
opinion on it. What a smash he came! Two hun- 
dred thousand they say, and he got through it in five 
years. I expect that old grocer of an uncle of his 
is writhing in his grave. By the way, I am thinking 
of recommending the appointment of a new J. P. in 
Ballintra. It would be a convenience to you to have 
someone to stand between you and that blackguard, 


2 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


Glynn. I was thinking of your friend the doctor. 
Would he be a suitable man? In my opinion, he 
deserves a pat on the back for the admirable way he 
behaved at the Ballintra sports last summer. I un- 
derstood at the time that it was he who persuaded 
the local band to play ‘ God Save the King.’ If you 
think well of the idea, send me a note of his name. I 
have forgotten it, if I ever heard it. If Tuesday 
doesn’t suit you, Wednesday will be equally con- 
venient to us.” 

Colonel Beresford read the letter with great pleas- 
ure. He had a feeling of warm friendship for the 
doctor, and was so much gratified that he sat down 
immediately after breakfast and accepted Lord Ab- 
lington’s invitation. He expressed a pleasure he did 
not actually feel at the prospect of meeting Danton 
of the Foreign Office, and promised to give an un- 
biassed opinion on the merits of the unfortunate 
Fillingham’s hock. He closed his letter with a strong 
recommendation of Dr. Whitty, whom he held up as 
a bright example of all a doctor should be. Then, 
since there was no reason to doubt that the appoint- 
ment would be made, he walked down to the town to 
offer his congratulations at once. 

He was fortunate enough to meet the doctor in the 
street. 

“ I’ve got a little surprise for you,” he said, “ a 
pleasant surprise, and I want to tell you at once how 
pleased I am.” 

“Outbreak of typhoid among your servants?” said 
the doctor. 

“ No. That wouldn’t be a pleasant surprise ! ” 

“ It would to me,” said the doctor. “ You’ve no 
idea how agreeable an epidemic is to a doctor, when 
it occurs among people who have someone behind 
them to pay the bill. However, if it isn’t that, it 
can’t be helped. What is it?” 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


3 

“ I had a letter from Lord Ablington this morning. 
He — ’ ” 

“ He doesn’t want the town band to learn ‘ Rule 
Britannia,’ does he? For if he does he’ll have to 
come over and teach them himself. I am not going 
to take on a job of that kind again.” 

“ It’s nothing of the sort,” said the colonel. “ The 
fact is Lord Aldington was so pleased about the ‘ God 
Save the King ’ performance last year that he wants 
to see you a J. P.” 

“If that’s the only form his gratitude takes,” said 
the doctor, “ it’s not much use to me. I wouldn’t be 
a J. P. for two hundred a year paid quarterly straight 
from the Bank of Ireland.” 

“ It’s a high honour,” said the colonel, who had old- 
fashioned ideas. 

“ Come, now, colonel, you can’t seriously mean 
that. I know you’re one yourself, and I think it un- 
commonly self-sacrificing of you to keep it up but — 
Hang it all! Look at Thady Glynn! You can’t call 
it an honour to be mixed up with that fellow.” 

“ Glynn’s only a magistrate ex officio ” said the 
colonel. “ This is quite a different thing.” 

“ Still,” said the doctor, “ I hardly fancy myself 
perched up in the Court House arguing with Thady 
as to whether it’s the policemen or the riotous drunk- 
ard who ought to be fined. It’s not good enough.” 

“ I regard it as a public duty,” said the colonel, 
“ for every one of us — 

“ I’m afraid I haven’t got that sort of conscience,” 
said the doctor. “ I really couldn’t be bothered. 
Why, think what it would mean. Every publican 
who wanted an occasional license would be worrying 
the life out of me. Every fellow whose heifer had 
been caught trespassing would send his wife to try 
and bribe me with a present of some old goose or 
other. I’d make a personal enemy of all the drunk- 


4 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


ards about the place, and lots of them are patients of 
mine. I can’t do it. If Lord Ablington is really so 
grateful, as you say, let him break his leg and send 
for me to set it. I should like that, but this plan of 
setting me on to go J. P.-ing about the country 
doesn’t suit me at all.” 

“ I’ve just written to him,” said the colonel, 
“ strongly recommending you, and I make it a per- 
sonal matter, Whitty, that you accept the position. 
I’m getting an old man, and I’m beginning to find a 
good many things tell on me in a way they didn’t a 
few years ago. It would be a great relief to me to 
feel there was somebody I could rely on — a man like 
yourself — ” 

“ Don’t say another word, colonel. When you put 
it that way I have no choice. It’s all rot, of course, 
about your getting old. You’re good for years and 
years of scrapping with Thady Glynn yet. Still, since 
you make a point of it, I won’t refuse, if Lord Abling- 
ton really nominates me.” 

“ Thanks,” said the colonel. “ And, really, you 
know, Whitty, it is an honour. I quite feel the force 
of all you say about Thady Glynn ; still it’s something 
to know that you are entrusted by your Sovereign 
with the administration of the law of the land.” 

“ I’ll try and look at it that way,” said the doctor, 
“ when I’m appointed. But I expect, myself, that 
Lord Ablington will think better of it.” 

“ Not at all. The thing’s as good as settled already. 
After he gets the letter I wrote him, he won’t hesitate 
for an hour.” 

The party at Castle Ablington was quite as dull 
as Colonel Beresford expected. The hock, indeed, 
turned out excellent and reflected great credit on the 
palate of the bankrupt Fillingham. But Lady Abling- 
ton, whom the colonel took in to dinner, growled 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


5 

intolerably about her health. Danton, undoubtedly a 
valuable man in the Foreign Office, prosed abomina- 
bly, and failed to see the point of anybody’s jokes ex- 
cept his own. It was with a sense of relief the 
colonel escaped to bed at eleven o’clock. Next morn- 
ing, after breakfast, Lord Ablington led him away to 
the library. 

“ I should like,” he said, “ to have a few words with 
you about that doctor. Whitty, isn’t that his name ? ” 

“You’ve sent his name up to the Lord Chancellor, 
I suppose? ” 

“ No. The fact is — I don’t, of course, attach any 
importance to communications of this sort.” Lord 
Ablington unlocked a drawer in his writing table and 
drew out a letter which he handed to the colonel. 
“ Still I’m bound to take every possible precaution. 
You’ll quite understand, Beresford, that it wouldn’t 
do. With the way our actions are criticised now- 
adays, we can’t be too careful. But read that letter.” 

The colonel looked the sheet of paper up and down, 
and then read: 

“Your Lordship, — Having heard that it is your 
intention to make a magistrate of Dr. Whitty, I beg 
to bring the following fact to your notice. Dr. 
Whitty is drunk in the evenings as often as he is 
sober, and, only last night, had to be helped home 
to his house by Michael Geraghty, the carpenter. If 
you have any doubt about the truth of this statement, 
ask Michael. He will bear out every word I say. — 
Your Lordship’s humble servant, ‘ A Lover of Jus- 
tice.’ ” 

“ An anonymous letter ! ” said the colonel. 

“ Quite so.” 

“ And obviously written in a disguised hand.” 

“ Plainly,” said Lord Ablington. “ And, of course, 
I attach no weight to it.” 

“ I should hope not. The whole thing is an 


6 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


abominable and malicious slander. I shouldn’t won- 
der if Thady Glynn was at the bottom of it. He 
hates Whitty.” 

“ Very likely. Still—” 

“ Whitty never was drunk in his life.” 

“ Who’s this man, Michael Geraghty? Is he a 
friend of Glynn’s?” 

“ Not at all. On the contrary, he detests Glynn. 
Geraghty is a friend of the doctor’s.” 

“A friend of the doctor’s! Then why do you sup- 
pose the writer of this letter refers to him. If 
Geraghty had been an ally of the other man’s, of 
Glynn’s, I could understand it better.” 

“ It is odd,” said the colonel, “ very odd, but I’m 
perfectly certain that Geraghty wouldn’t stand in with 
anyone who was slandering the doctor.” 

“ Suppose, then,” said Lord Ablington, “ that you 
ask this fellow, Geraghty, whether there’s any truth 
in the story. There can’t be any harm in doing that. 
You could do it quietly, you know.” 

“ I shall ask him if you like,” said the colonel, “ but 
I know very well what he’ll say.” 

“ I shall be delighted to have the story flatly de- 
nied,” said Lord Ablington, “ and I’m sure it will be. 
In any ordinary matter, Beresford, I need scarcely 
say that your word would be enough for me, but, in 
a case like this, you will understand that I have to 
be extremely cautious.” 

Colonel Beresford went home perfectly satisfied 
that Lord Ablington’s anonymous letter was the work 
of Thady Glynn. He summoned Michael Geraghty 
to Ballintra House and demanded from him a flat 
contradiction of the story of the doctor’s drunken- 
ness. To his surprise, Michael Geraghty seemed un- 
easy and inclined to evade the questions which were 
put to him. 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


7 

“ I wouldn’t,” he said, “ like to be the man who’d 
say a word against the doctor.” 

“ Tell me straight out at once,” said the colonel. 
“ Was Dr. Whitty so drunk the night before last that 
you had to help him home ? ” 

“ If he was itself,” said Michael, “ he wouldn’t be 
the first.” 

“ Don’t shuffle. Give me a plain * yes ’ or ‘ no.’ ” 

“ There’s many a man,” said Geraghty,“ that might 
make a sup too much and nobody would ever think 
the worse of him after.” 

“Was Dr. Whitty drunk or was he not?” The 
colonel’s temper was beginning to give way. “ I may 
as well tell you that, if you say he was, I shan’t be- 
lieve you.” 

“ He was.” Michael Geraghty spoke without con- 
viction. 

“Was drunk?” 

“As drunk as anyone you ever seen. Drunk so 
that he couldn’t walk, nor couldn’t talk sense, nor 
didn’t know what you were saying to him, no more 
than if he was one of them heifers beyond in the 
field and you reading to it out of a book.” 

The indictment was definite and complete enough, 
but it seemed quite plain to Colonel Beresford that 
Geraghty was lying, lying clumsily and without real 
pleasure. 

“ You’re a liar, Geraghty,” said the colonel, “ and 
you ought to be ashamed of yourself taking money 
from a blackguard like Thady Glynn and then slan- 
dering an innocent man.” 

“ I haven’t spoken a word to Thady Glynn this six 
months,” said Michael sulkily, “ and I wouldn’t touch 
his money if he offered me the full of my hat of 
sovereigns.” 

“ I always thought before,” said the colonel, “ that 


8 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


you were, comparatively speaking, an honest man. 
I know now that you’re a liar and a scoundrel.” 

“ That’s a hard word,” said Michael, “ and, may be, 
if you knew what you don’t know, you wouldn’t be 
so ready with it.” 

“ You deserve it,” said the colonel, “ for slandering 
Dr. Whitty, who’s always been a good friend to you.” 

“ I would deserve it, if so be I’d done what you 
say. But it’s what I wouldn’t do, and nobody but 
yourself ever drew it down against me that I did.” 

“ You have done it. Even supposing the doctor 
was drunk, which I don’t for a moment believe, 
you’re the last man that ought to publish it. You 
should have kept it to yourself.” 

“ And so I would, if so be — ” 

“ Don’t talk that way to me. What’s the good of 
saying you’d keep it a secret when you’re joining in 
with Thady Glynn to publish it when it isn’t a fact ? ” 

“ Colonel,” said Michael Geraghty, “ it’s well 
known that you’re a gentleman, and I’ll trust to you 
that what I’m going to tell you will go no further, 
for if ever it got out that I told you, there’d be trou- 
ble for me, and, what’s more, you’d be sorry your- 
self, terribly sorry, so you would. The doctor was 
not drunk, no more than yourself, this minute.” 

“ I knew that,” said the colonel. “ Now tell me 
this. Wasn’t it Thady Glynn that set you on to say 
he was ? ” 

“ I’ll not say another word, good nor bad.” 

“ You needn’t. I know very well it couldn’t be 
anyone else except Thady Glynn.” 

“ I’ll say no more. I’ll neither say it is nor it 
isn’t. Only I’ll tell you this, and it’s my last word. 
If Thady Glynn was to be hanged to-morrow for put- 
ting them stories out against the doctor, he’d die an 
innocent man.” 

Colonel Beresford wrote at once to Lord Abling- 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


9 


ton a brief but emphatic letter. Without attempting 
a detailed report of his conversation with Michael 
Geraghty, he made it plain that the charge against 
Dr. Whitty was entirely baseless. 

A few days later he received a visit from Dr. 
Whitty. 

“Colonel,” said the doctor, “has anything more 
been done about making me a J. P. ? ” 

“ I expect,” said the colonel, “ to hear from Lord 
Ablington to-day or to-morrow that he has forwarded 
your name to the Lord Chancellor.” 

“ I’d be glad if you’d telegraph to him not to do it. 
I am perfectly ready to act if I am appointed, as I 
told you the other day, but — well, I don’t want to 
say more than I need about a very unpleasant matter 
— but it will be better both for you and Lord Ab- 
lington if my name is withdrawn.” 

“ What do you mean ? ” 

“ I mean this. If I’m made a magistrate it’ll be a 
public scandal and will bring disgrace upon the Petty 
Sessions Court of this town.” 

“ If you’re thinking of that ridiculous story about 
your being drunk, I may tell you at once that I don’t 
believe a word of it, and I am sure Lord Ablington 
doesn’t either. I never did believe it for an instant. 
The only thing that puzzles me about it is the queer 
way Michael Geraghty behaved.” 

“ I’m not thinking of that story, but of something 
worse.” 

“ Let’s have it, whatever it is,” said the colonel 
anxiously. 

“ I’d rather not speak about it, but the truth is that 
my tailor is taking proceedings against me in the 
County Court for a bill I owe him which I can’t pay. 
It wouldn’t look well, colonel — you must admit your- 
self it wouldn’t look at all well for a newly-appointed 
magistrate to be — ” 


10 AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 

“ My dear fellow,” said the colonel heartily, “ if 
that’s all that’s the matter it can easily be settled.” 

“ No, it can’t. The bill’s close on twenty pounds, 
and I haven’t as many pence.” 

Colonel Beresford crossed the room to his writing 
table and took his cheque book from a drawer. 

“ You must allow me, doctor. You really must. 
The sum is very trifling. We shall regard it as a 
loan, repayable at your convenience. I wish you’d 
told me sooner.” 

“ I won’t allow you, colonel,” said the doctor. “ I 
couldn’t possibly. I may never be able to repay you. 
I — hang it all ! I don’t want the money.” 

Colonel Beresford blotted his checque, folded it up, 
and pressed it into the doctor’s hand. 

“ I’m glad to be able to do it,” he said. “ It’s a 
pleasure to me. You’re a man I’ve always liked. 
I’ve regarded you as a friend. I shall be seriously 
annoyed. I want no thanks. I won’t hear another 
word from you. Go home at once and settle with 
that rascally tailor. And, let me tell you, I think all 
the better of you for coming here and telling me 
straightforwardly about the matter. It would have 
been awkward. I think Lord Ablington might have 
felt himself in an unpleasant position if this unfor- 
tunate business had come on in the County Court im- 
mediately after — -. But we’ll not talk about that. 
Good-bye, doctor. And don’t let the thought of that 
twenty pounds come between you and your sleep. 
I don’t care if I never see it again.” 

Still shaking the doctor’s hand, he pushed him from 
the room. 

Three days later Colonel Beresford received from 
Lord Ablington a bulky envelope. It contained a 
copy of the last issue of The Connacht Mercury 
and a short letter. The colonel read the letter first: 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


ii 


“ My dear Beresford, — I send you herewith a copy 
of the local paper in which I have marked a para- 
graph in blue pencil. After reading it, you will, I 
feel sure, agree with me that it is quite impossible for 
us to place Dr. Whitty on the Commission of the 
Peace for this county. I cannot blame you for being 
mistaken about the man. I made the same mistake 
myself, allowing myself to be misled by his action in 
the matter of the performance of ‘ God Save the 
King ’ at the Ballintra sports last year. But we may 
be thankful that his real character has come to light 
in time to prevent our making a serious mistake. 

“ I am, yours very sincerely, 

“ Ablington.” 

Colonel Beresford took up the newspaper. There 
was no mistake about the passage which had aroused 
Lord Ablington’s anger. It was completely framed 
in thick blue lines. 

“ Contributions to the funds of the United Irish 
League, received through Thaddeus Glynn, Esq., 
J. P., Chairman and Treasurer of the Ballintra 
Branch : — 

“ George Whitty, Esq., M.D., Ballintra, £2 2s.” 

A number of other names followed. A couple of 
priests were credited with ten shillings each. About a 
dozen other people appeared to have subscribed sums 
varying from two shillings to sixpence. Dr. Whitty’s 
name came first, and his subscription was much the 
largest. The editor had appended a note to the list 
in which he pointed out the advantage to the people’s 
cause which would follow the enrolment of men like 
Dr. Whitty in the National Organisation. “ As a 
professional man,” he wrote, “ Dr. Whitty’s reputa- 
tion stands deservedly high. Of his personal popu- 
larity there is no need to speak. It remains only to 
express the hope that he will, in the future, display 


12 AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 

the active interest in the affairs of the League which 
his generous subscription shows us he feels.” 

Colonel Beresford stared at the paper in amaze- 
ment. He found it, even with the printed statement 
before him, impossible to believe that Dr. Whitty had 
handed over the sum of two guineas to Thady Glynn. 
There must, he felt convinced, be some mistake about 
the announcement. He put the paper in his pocket 
and walked down to the doctors house. He found 
Whitty filling a medicine bottle with some black drug 
in a corner of his surgery. An old woman, grum- 
bling in an undertone, sat in a chair near the door.” 

“ Is that you, colonel ? ” said the doctor cheerfully. 
“ I was expecting you yesterday. Have you only just 
seen The Connacht Mercury? I’ll be with you in 
a minute. Here, Mary, take that bottle home with 
you and rub it into your legs. Don’t go drinking it. 
It’ll very likely kill you, if you do. If you simply 
rub it in night and morning, the way I tell you, it’ll 
do you no particular harm and the thought that you 
have it by you may be some comfort. Now, colonel.” 

“ I suppose,” said the colonel, “ that this announce- 
ment is a mistake.” 

“ Not at all. It’s perfectly correct.” 

“ Then it’s some sort of joke, though I must con- 
fess I don’t see the point.” 

“ It’s not a joke. It’s serious earnest. I can tell 
you I didn’t a bit like parting with that two guineas, 
and it went through me like a knife when I saw the 
grin on Thad’s face as he pocketed the coin. I felt 
more like killing him then than I ever did before, 
and that’s saying a good deal.” 

“ Then you really gave it ? ” 

“ I did. You drove me to it.” 

“I?” 

“ Yes. You and Lord Ablington between you. 
First of all you refused to believe that I was an 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


13 

habitual drunkard, although you had the best possible 
evidence for it.” 

“ Was it likely that we’d believe an anonymous 
letter written by Thady Glynn ? ” 

“ Thady didn’t write that letter. I wrote it myself, 
and if that miserable ass, Michael Geraghty, hadn’t 
lost his head and gone back on every word I told him 
to say you would have believed it, and then there’d 
have been an end of this wretched J. P. business.” 

“Do you mean to say — ?” 

“ Next,” said Dr. Whitty, “ instead of accepting 
my statement that a fraudulent bankrupt* is not a 
proper man to make a magistrate of, you insisted on 
forcing a cheque for twenty pounds on me. It would 
have served you jolly well right if I had handed the 
whole of it over to Thady Glynn as a subscription to 
the League from you. But I didn’t. I’m a merciful 
man, and I spared you. Here’s your cheque, by the 
way; and the next time you want to pay a man’s 
debts for him, make sure he owes them before you 
write cheques.” 

“ But why on earth — ? ” 

“ After that,” said Dr. Whitty, “ there seemed to 
me only one possible thing to do. I knew that Lord 
Ablington would never appoint a man a magistrate 
who was mixed up with Thady Glynn and his lot, so 
I went round to the hotel and handed two guineas 
to Thady in the presence of a lot of witnesses. Then 
I went home and wrote a note to The Connacht 
Mercury man, asking him to stick the subscription 
into a prominent place in his next issue and, if possi- 
ble, to write a special note about it. You read it, I 
suppose. He didn’t do> it at all badly.” 

“ Why didn’t you tell me you objected to being a 
magistrate ? ” 

“ I did tell you, but you wouldn’t listen to me. 
You went on arguing about duty and responsibility 


14 


AN INTOLERABLE HONOUR 


and things of that kind. You finally put it to me in 
a personal way that I couldn’t refuse. Then, I 
promised I’d accept the honour — it was you called 
it an honour, I didn’t — if Lord Ablington nominated 
me. 

“ He never will now.” 

“ I sincerely hope not.” 

“ I can’t,” said the colonel, after a short pause, 
“ tell him all this story.” 

“ You can if you like,” said the doctor. “ I don’t 
mind a bit if you do. But I should say myself that 
he wouldn’t believe a word of it if you swore it on a 
Bible.” 

“ No,” said Colonel Beresford, “ he wouldn’t. 
Hardly anybody would.” 


HYGIENIC AND SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 


I T was a hot day in June, and Dr. Whitty, not very 
busy at that season of the year, was sitting in his 
dining-room smoking. Michael Geraghty put his 
head in through the window : 

“Are you there, doctor?” 

“ I am,” said the doctor, “ can’t you see me ? ” 

“ It’s what I have a letter for you. Jamesy Casey, 
the postboy, gave it to me, knowing I was coming up 
this way, seeing that it had ‘ immediate ’ written on 
the outside of it.” 

The doctor looked at the letter. 

“ It’s from my Aunt Eliza,” he said. “ But what 
the dickens she can possibly have to say to me in a 
hurry is more than I can tell you, Michael. It’s not 
once in six months she writes to me, and then it’s 
only to get a prescription out of me that she might 
as well ask her own doctor for, only that she grudges 
the poor man what she’d have to pay him.” 

“ Maybe it’s took sick sudden she is this time,” 
said Michael, “ and wanting to get what would do 
her good in a hurry.” 

“ She’s never sick,” said the doctor. “ What medi- 
cine she uses is for her family. I never recollect her 
having anything the matter with her.” 

“ If it isn’t that,” said Michael, “ I don’t know 
what it would be; but, sure, if you opened the letter 
you’d find out.” 

The suggestion was reasonable. Michael Geraghty, 
his curiosity aroused, remained with his head pushed 
through the window. 

“‘Dear Georgie — read the doctor — ‘(she’s the 
only person in the world that ever calls me that) — ‘ I 
write in great trouble to inform you that your cousin 
1 5 


16 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

Annie has contracted a matrimonial engagement — ’ 
Look here, Michael, this letter seems likely to be of a 
confidential kind. Perhaps you’d excuse my not 
reading the rest of it out loud.” 

Michael Geraghty, a man of tact and delicate feel- 
ing, retired at once. Dr. Whitty went on with the 
letter : 

ut — a matrimonial engagement of a most unde- 
sirable kind to a young man who has little or nothing 
to live on; and, so far as I can make out, never will. 
His name is against him, for one thing. How can 
you expect anybody called Augustus Jetty to make 
his way in the world? But, as your poor uncle said 
when he heard of it, we’ve got to make the best of 
it. Your cousin won’t listen to advice either from 
her father or me. After a great deal of trouble, your 
poor uncle has got a situation of a sort for the young 
man, and we’re relying on you to give him what help 
you can. He’s employed on commission, they call it 
— I don’t understand business very well — to travel 
for the Hygienic and Scientific Apparatus Company. 
As well as I can make out, he’s got to try and sell 
sorne kind of surgical instruments, and it’ll depend 
largely on the kind of support he gets from the doc- 
tors whether he makes anything or not. We are 
sending him down to Ballintra to make a start, and 
we’re all relying on you to do the best you possibly 
can for him. Annie encloses a note from herself, but 
I dare say there’s nothing in it except foolishness. 

“ ‘ Your affectionate aunt, Eliza/ ” 

Annie’s letter was much longer than her mother’s. 
She wrote with considerable enthusiasm about the 
personal charm, moral superiority, intellectual force, 
and general desirableness of Augustus Jetty, and 
ended her letter with a formal threat: 

“ And now, George, if you don’t do your best for 
Augustus and sell a lot of his things to all your 


HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 17 

patients, I’ll never speak to you again as long as I 
live, and you wouldn’t like that. Father and mother 
are perfectly horrid, so we’ve nobody to help us ex- 
cept you.” 

Hard upon the letter Augustus himself arrived. 
His appearance was not attractive. He was under- 
sized, pallid, very thin, and seemed to be rapidly grow- 
ing bald. His eyes were narrow, and of a watery 
green colour. Dr. Whitty, who had a liking for his 
cousin Annie, received him hospitably, and offered 
him a cigar. 

“ No, thank you,” said Augustus, “ I never smoke. 
The fact is my heart is a little weak, and I fear the 
effects of tobacco, which, as you know, is a stimu- 
lant.” 

“ I suppose, then, you wouldn’t care for some 
whisky.” 

“No,” said Augustus. “That’s a stimulant, too; 
moreover, I have the strongest possible conscientious 
objection to the use of alcohol.” 

Dr. Whitty swallowed a mild oath, but, still recol- 
lecting Annie’s pretty face, spoke politely to Au- 
gustus : 

“Is there anything you would care for?” 

“ Thank you,” said Augustus, “ if you have such 
a thing as a banana in the house, I will take it gladly.” 

“ I have not a banana, and what’s more, I don’t 
believe there’s one in the town of Ballintra; so, if 
that’s the only form of food you consume, I’m afraid 
you’re likely to go hungry till you leave this.” 

Augustus sighed heavily. 

“ What about your surgical instruments ? ” said the 
doctor. “ Have you brought any specimens with 
you? I could do very well with a new hypodermic 
syringe. I broke the needle of my old one last week, 
and the thing was pretty near worn out any way.” 

Augustus smiled in a feble, vacuous way. He pro- 


18 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

duced from his pocket a list which he handed to Dr. 
Whitty : 

“ These are the articles our firm manufactures.” 

Dr. Whitty read the list through aloud: 

“ Portable Turkish Baths, 30s. 6d. ; superior 
Quality, ‘ Oak/ 49s. 6d. 

“ Home Exercisers, 17s. 6d. ; with Patent 
Springs and Pearl Grips, 25s. 

“ Electric Belts, 12s. 6d. ; Full Strength of Cur- 
rent, 15s. 

“ Electric Indiarubber Flesh Massage Brushes, 
7s. 6d. each. 

“Photographic Cameras, Quarter-plate, Guar- 
anteed, £ 2 .ios. to £4.” 

“ Now, how the devil,” asked Dr. Whitty, “ do you 
expect to sell any of those things in a place like this? 
There isn’t a man, woman, or child in the district 
would take a present of the whole lot of them, or 
know what to do with them if you laid them out on 
the mat outside their bedroom doors.” 

“ Annie told me,” said Augustus feebly, “ you’d be 
sure to be able to help me by recommending them to 
your patients.” 

“ Well, I’ll tell you what I’ll do for you. I’ll buy 
a camera myself at £3. I don’t want it in the least, 
and am simply taking it out of affection for my 
cousin Annie.” 

Augustus Jetty seemed disappointed. 

“ Annie told me,” he said, “ that you’d be sure to 
give me a letter of recommendation to all your prin- 
cipal patients.” 

Dr. Whitty thought the matter over, and remem- 
bered the threat at the end of Annie’s letter before 
replying : 

“ As a rule I don’t do this kind of thing ; but in 
this particular case I’ve no objection to your stick- 


HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 19 

in g Thady Glynn with a portable Turkish bath, if 
you can. He’s away from home to-day at a fair; so 
I’ll give you a letter to Mrs. Glynn, telling her that 
a portable Turkish bath is the exact thing her hus- 
band really wants. If you have the nerve to rush 
her into buying one before Thady gets back, I’ll take 
all the blame afterwards. I’ve had it in for Thady 
Glynn ever since the time he went for me about the 
band at the Sports, and I don’t in the least mind help- 
ing you to swindle him out of thirty bob.” 

“ What about the other things ? ” persisted Augus- 
tus. ” Isn’t there anybody who would buy a Home 
Exerciser? I’m in a position to offer you a commis- 
sion of 10 per cent, on anything I sell through your 
recommendation.” 

“ If you like to try the Colonel with a Home Exer- 
ciser you can. I’ll give you his address. He’s a 
well-off man who' wouldn’t feel the 17s. 6d. The 10 
per cent., which would come to something with a 
halfpenny in it, as well as I can make out, you can 
keep to buy furniture when you set up house with 
Annie. While you’re at it, you may as well call on 
Father Henaghan and see if he’d take an electric belt. 
He might fancy it, and I don’t suppose it can do him 
any harm. In any case, I’ll call round to-morrow 
and warn him not to use it. The only other people 
who could possibly buy anything are the Jacksons, 
and I wouldn’t like to stick them for more than a mas- 
sage brush. They have a large family.” 

Augustus made a careful list of the names and ad- 
dresses and went out, promising to be back in time 
for dinner. 

To the doctor’s great surprise he returned abso- 
lutely jubilant; he had sold all four articles, delivered 
them to their purchasers, and received cash payment. 
He offered to make out the amount of Dr. Whitty’s 
percentage, but seemed pleased when the whole sum 


20 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

was made over to him as a wedding present. He sat 
down and watched the doctor eat his dinner. As 
there were no bananas or nuts, he himself ate nothing 
but two slices of very hard toast, which the house- 
keeper cooked under protest. Next morning he left 
Ballintra. 

Dr. Whitty wrote a letter to his aunt: 

“ My Dear Aunt Eliza, — I have seen Augustus, 
and feel extremely sorry for Annie! I have sold a 
specimen of each kind of hygienic and scientific ap- 
paratus to the principal inhabitants of this town, and 
am looking forward with anxiety to the kind of row 
there’ll be to-morrow. Whatever happens, don’t send 
Augustus here again, unless you want to get rid of 
him permanently. The people here are peaceful, and 
have a great regard for me; they will probaly shoot 
him at sight if he appears among them again. Give 
my love to Annie and tell her to try her young man 
with a steak and a bottle of porter. He wants fatten- 
ing up, otherwise he seems all right, and ought to 
succeed in life, if persistence will help him. Send me 
a bit of wedding cake when the affair culminates and 
believe me your affectionate nephew, 

“ George Whitty.” 

There was, as the doctor anticipated, a row, or 
rather four separate rows, next day. The trouble 
began quite early with a visit from Mrs. Thady 
Glynn : 

“ Doctor,” she said, “ himself is mighty queer this 
morning, and I’d be thankful to you if you’d give 
me some kind of a bottle that would do him good.” 

“ I’ll come down and have a look at him at once.” 

“ It’d be better for you not. His temper is that 
riz, he might be for taking a knife to you. It’s all 
along of that portable Turkish bath you sent down to 
him yesterday.” 

“If he’s fit to take the knife to me,” said the doc- 


HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 21 

tor, “ there can’t be much the matter with him except 
temper.” 

“ There is, then. It would make you cry, if so be 
it didn’t make you laugh, to see the state it has him 
in. Nothing would do him this morning but to have 
a try at it. He sat in it for the best part of half an 
hour, and the perspiration was running down off his 
face before he was out. When he did get out, you’ll 
hardly believe me, but it had him turned black from 
his chin to his feet, every inch of him barring his 
head, which didn’t be in the inside of the bath at all.” 

“ Nonsense,” said Dr. Whitty, “ it can’t possibly 
have turned him black. Why should it? I expect 
the black was in him before he got in, and the thing 
hadn’t time to do more than bring it to the surface. 
If he’d stayed where he was for another half-hour it 
would have all peeled off.” 

“ He does say,” continued Mrs. Glynn, “ that you’ve 
had it in for him this long time, and that you said 
you’d turn him blue the way he angered you over the 
tune the band played the day of the sports.” 

“ Look here, what did you fill the lamp with?” 

“ The lamp is it?” 

“ Yes. The lamp you put in under him.” 

“ It did say on the paper,” said Mrs. Glynn, “ that 
it was methylated spirits had a right to be put in, 
but we’d run out of them on account of the way 
Lizzie does be taking them out of the shop for curling 
her hair, and I thought a drop of paraffine oil would 
do as well.” 

“ That’s it,” said the doctor. “ It’s lamp-black 
that’s the matter with the man. Go home and tell 
him to take an ordinary water bath with a jam-pot 
full of soft soap beside him. That’ll make him all 
right at the end of ten minutes.” 

“ It’s what I told him myself. But where was the 
use of my talking? He said he’d be in dread of any 


22 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

kind of a bath after what that one did to him. He 
said with the way you were treating him it would 
be hard to say what colour he’d come out next time, 
and he’d rather be black itself than either red or 
blue.” 

“ All right,” said the doctor, “ if he won’t take a 
bath he’ll have to go about the way he is for a day 
or two. It’ll rub off on his clothes by degrees. But, 
if I were you, I wouldn’t give him clean sheets to 
sleep in till he’s got rid of the worst of it.” 

“ He did say that — ” 

“ Hurry up, Mrs. Glynn, I see Father Henaghan’s 
housekeeper and another woman waiting in the hall 
to speak to me.” 

“ He did say that if you’d take it off him — ” 

“ Well, I won’t. I’ve more to do than spend my 
time scrubbing your husband with a nail-brush.” 

“ It was the curse he meant,” said Mrs. Glynn. 

“ Curse ! I’ll put a curse on you that you won’t 
forget as long as you live, unless you get out of this 
pretty quick. I can’t spend the day listening to your 
foolishness. I’m afraid of my life this minute of 
what Father Henaghan’s housekeeper may have come 
to tell me, and I’m nearly sure the other woman is 
the Jacksons’ servant.” 

Father Henaghan, it appeared, was in serious dif- 
ficulties, if not in actual pain. The whole surface 
of that part of his body covered by the electric belt 
had come out in small white blisters. He could 
neither lie down, nor stand up to put on his clothes, 
on account of the pain given by the blisters when 
anything touched them. He wanted the doctor to 
go down to him. Dr. Whitty started at once, only 
waiting long enough to hear that Mrs. Jackson’s 
youngest boy had developed an extraordinary series 
of red blotches on his back, and that the rector’s left 
leg had been afflicted in a similar way. They had 


HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 23 

both, he was told, used the electric india-rubber flesh 
massage brush he had recommended. It took him 
some time to soothe the physical sufferings and the 
mental irritation of the clergy. 

When he got home he found another letter marked 
this time in red ink : “ Immediate. In Great Haste.” 

“ It’s Aunt Eliza again,” he muttered. “ I hope to 
goodness the second girl hasn’t got engaged to be 
married to another commercial traveller. If she has, 
she may starve before I sell any of his infernal ap- 
pliances for him.” 

The news Aunt Eliza’s letter contained was of quite 
a different kind : 

“ Your cousin Annie has changed her mind about 
Augustus Jetty, and I hope this will reach you in 
time to prevent your selling any of his appliances for 
him. She has found out he is a vegetarian, and has 
all sorts of queer notions about his own health. A 
girl he was engaged to before he met Annie has told 
her about him. Now, whether it’s the thought of the 
things he eats or the feeling that he used to be after 
the other girl, I don’t know ; anyway, she says she’d 
be glad to get out of her engagement. The worst of 
it is that the other girl tells us he’s a very hard young 
man to get rid of, and that, now he has Annie prom- 
ised to him, it’s likely he’ll stick to her. Annie says 
that, if he does, she’ll marry him if it breaks her 
heart rather than go back on her word, for she thinks 
he’s really fond of her, though that’s nonsense, of 
course. You may be able to help us. If he can’t 
sell any of the appliances he may be willing to give 
up Annie. That’s the only hope I see of getting out 
of the engagement ; so, whatever happens, don’t let 
him sell anything in Ballintra.” 

Dr. Whitty was still considering what answer he 
ought to give to this letter when Colonel Beresford 
appeared. 


24 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

“ I’d be very much obliged to you, doctor, if you 
could find it convenient to come up to my house and 
take away that home exerciser I bought from your 
friend yesterday.” 

“ Surely to goodness,” said the doctor, “ you 
weren’t such a fool as to go using a thing of the 
sort.” 

“ Of course, I didn’t use it. Is it likely, at my 
time of life, I’d go tangling myself up with a lot of 
pulleys and cords? No! What I did was to have 
it fixed up in the servants’ hall. Then I told Jacobs, 
my man, that he and the cook could take it in turns 
to work the thing when they’d nothing particular to 
do. Jacobs has been looking flabby for a long time, 
and the cook is getting unwieldy with fat. I thought 
the home exerciser would do them both good.” 

“ So it ought,” said the doctor. “ I should say 
myself it’d be the very thing for Jacobs.” 

“ Well, it didn’t seem to suit him. I gave him the 
papers of ‘ Directions for Use,’ and told him to try 
it very gently at the first go-ofif, until he felt he’d got 
the hang of it properly. I don’t know what the fool 
did, but, anyhow, there’s been an accident: Jacobs 
has a black eye and won’t be fit to appear in the din- 
ing-room for the next week. The cook’s given no- 
tice.” 

“ I don’t see what can possibly have gone wrong,” 
said the doctor, “ unless you bought the twenty-five 
shilling sort, with the patent springs. You can’t trust 
a patent spring.” 

“ It was that one I did buy,” said the colonel. “ I 
thought, from the way you wrote, the man was a 
friend of yours, and I’d do the best I could for him ” 

“ I suppose,” said the doctor, “ the patent spring 
exploded in some way.” 

“ What the cook says is that, all of a sudden, there 
was a kind of noise : ‘ the like of what one of them 


HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 25 

motor-cars would make when it was starting, and a 
clucking hen along with that ’ and that then ‘ the two 
handles of the thing came woffling off ’ and struck 
poor Jacobs in the eye, I suppose/' 

“And what do you want me to do? If Jacobs 
puts a lump of raw meat to his eye it’s the only thing 
that can be done for it.” 

“ I want you to come up and unscrew the thing 
off the wall and take it away. Ell get no peace till 
it’s out of the house.” 

“Can’t Jacobs do that?” 

“ Jacobs won’t. He says he wouldn’t touch the 
thing again for fifty pounds. And the cook won’t, 
and she won’t let the groom into the kitchen for fear 
he’d lose his life over it. She seems to have a strong 
personal regard for the groom. I asked the under- 
housemaid, who is the only sensible person left about 
the place, if she’d have a go at it. I lent her a screw- 
driver, and I believe the poor girl tried, but — ” 

“ The cook didn’t mind about her losing her life, 
I suppose ? ” 

“ She didn’t seem to. But, anyhow, the girl failed 
to get it unscrewed.” 

“ I expect she tried to twist the screws the wrong 
way,” said the doctor. “ I never met a woman in 
my life that could remember which way a screw 
turns.” 

“ I dare say. At all events, there’s nothing for it 
now but for you to come.” 

“Couldn’t you do it yourself?” 

“No. I daren’t venture downstairs on account of 
the temper the cook’s in. In fact, my plan was to 
wait here until you came back and brought the ex- 
erciser with you.” 

“ Well, I can’t go yet,” said the doctor. “ I’m 
frightfully busy at present. Father Henaghan’s stom- 
ach is covered all over with white blisters, and the 


JAN ^1913 

26 HYGIENIC, SCIENTIFIC APPARATUS 

rector’s leg has a red blotch upon it the size of a 
porter bottle, and to-morrow’s Sunday. If I don’t 
get those two reverend gentlemen straightened out in 
the course of the afternoon there won’t be a religious 
service of any sort in the town to-morrow : and, on 
top of that, Thady Glynn has come out black from 
head to foot, and can’t be induced to take a bath.” 

“ If you’re going to wash Thady Glynn,” said the 
colonel, “ until he’s clean, I’m hardly likely to see you 
up at Ballintra House before Monday and goodness 
knows what state the servants will be in by that time.” 

“ Well,” said the doctor, “ rather than see you ab- 
solutely stuck I’ll go with you. But you’ll have to 
wait a minute till I write a telegram.” 

It was to Aunt Eliza Dr. Whitty sent his message : 

“ Strongly recommend Annie to insure the life of 
Augustus Jetty, marry him, and then insist on his 
using all his own hygienic and scientific appliances. 
She’ll be a widow in a week.” 


; - -:A;v* ■m ' fwr 

gr '■■:“■ ••■••>:••? •'•; ■■•'- '"• ' \ if %Jp^ 

5!;*;' -A: • '; a & A -- ^ -•- • :*',- r - v v - 'M ■ ■%>? <• ' • - ' > •■ *, ■./■■• , • • ;•; • > -•'• ' a •M: ■$'•&*'•■- '* ;. 

*■* ym/SBm A.lSl 

»/. \AAA\A- feA t'f;;dv,- .' AaA 

fc p Aa4* va^" ■ ,• 

; A* ; .gSL'-,. •:-,■<%- 1 j j .-'-- ■ / &?:-:■■.• A . Si ■ ■ A"' 7 ).:?•*?& 

■ rJ-S^m AtA-': . ■■■■ -A- A-;: /AA; :; A’'A !; aA -SA ^ A 

/,••'■ •. :". . ' /V.> r At A • “ : . A '. vA A" A .’■ . -AA : -A* A’- ' '•"...- - .A • • aA 

’ •, • '*- . .* •',-■■}.• :’•■•.• .: - «' .'Wwt'i'- ; ^v, • . - < S ' < ■ S'l W&2 <>■ 'V.. VvA-.Ajfr '.'•A 

Mm'xtes 








•. '.A«V ,-• * i ,;. • '• \ A 'j& ■ 

4 'K v-.: ?• ‘ 


■ -'"‘V. .'.•'■*• :v; ■- - ■■• ■ '. ,A? : v St ' . 

;'.• o r x:' ; iA J/i x ■■ ’ a a A ' 

>‘?V. »A .. u 1 ‘ ; y.^Jr • > \ . •• . , ' . -_ • ’. - tv - - \-' v? f. 

v. :;\v »:*3g5; 


i.mi 














